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You Must Be Joking!
If you have a joke or riddle you would like to
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Jesus and Satan were having an on-going
argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for
days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally
fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test
that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does
the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and
typed away.
They moused. They faxed. They
e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets! They wrote reports. They created labels
and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some
genealogy reports. They did every job known to man. Jesus worked
with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten
minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky,
thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan
stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word
known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
Finally the
electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan
started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE!
"I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly
started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not
fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said, "Jesus saves." |
|
Father Murphy walks into a pub in
Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there
against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man,
"Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do
you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest
said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't
want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you
were getting a group together to go right now." |
7 Reasons Not to Mess with a
Child
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A little girl was
talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically
impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a
very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that
Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a
whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little
girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "
What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
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Kindergarten
teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to
one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing
was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said,
"But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking
up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
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A Sunday school
teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year
olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy
Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat
our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the
oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill..."
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One day a little
girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen
sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white
hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her
mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make
me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought
about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of
grandma's hairs are white?"
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The children had
all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to
buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look
at it when you are all grown up and say 'There's Jennifer, she's a
lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of
the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead. "
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A teacher was
giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter
clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you
know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the
class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the
ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow
shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
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The children were
lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At
the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and
posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further
along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of
chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want.
God is watching the apples."
|
| An Irish priest is driving to the city and gets stopped for
speeding on the highway. The officer smells alcohol on the priest's breath
and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir,
have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The officer says,
"Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good
Lord! He's done it again!" |
God's view of Grass (as spoken to
St. Francis)
GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature, what in the world
is going on down there in Canada? What in the world happened to the
dandelions, violets, thistles and the stuff I started eons ago? I had a
perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil,
withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long
lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I
expected to see a vast garden of color by now. All I see are patches of
green.
ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. They are
called the Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went
to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But it is so boring, it's not colorful. It doesn't
attract bees, butterflies or birds, only grubs and sod worms. It's
temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want grass
growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it
and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing it and poisoning
any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and the warm weather probably makes the grass
grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites very happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it has grown a little,
they cut it---sometimes two times a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in
bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now let me get this straight: They fertilize it to make it grow
and when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut
back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and
saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass
stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so
they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a
sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the
spring to provide beauty and shade in summer. In the autumn, they fall to
the ground and form a natural blanket to keep the moisture in the soil and
protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves become compost
to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. As soon as the leaves fall,
the Suburbanites rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled
away.
GOD: No way!! What do they do to protect the shrubs and tree roots in
the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing the leaves away, they go out and buy
something called mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of
the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down the trees and grind them up to make mulch.
GOD: Enough!! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint
Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for
us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a real stupid movie
about...
GOD: Never mind---I think I just heard the whole story from Saint
Francis |
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello! How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you!"
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled L-O-V-E and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him. "Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia." |
| A young woman was having a discussion with
her parish priest about her marriage plans. She explained to the priest
that she would like to have four husbands instead of only one. She stated
that one husband would have to be a wealthy banker. Her second husband
would be a famous stage actor. The third husband would be a hairdresser
and the fourth would be an undertaker. The priest asked "Why would
you need all of those husbands?" The young woman replied
"I need one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and
four to go." |
| This 85 year old couple, having been
married almost 60 years, die in a car crash. They had been in good health
the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's neurotic interest in health
food. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their
mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath
suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed", the old man asked
Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter
replied, Remember, this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home
backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week
the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on
Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" "This
is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the
cuisine of all the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the
old man. "Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This
is heaven. It's free!"
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old
man. asked timidly. "That's the best part...you can eat as much as
you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get
sick. This is Heaven."
The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your darned bran
muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!" |
| A priest is walking down the street one
day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house
across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too
high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the
priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across
the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly
on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and
asks, "And now what, my little man? "To which the boy turns and
yells, "NOW WE RUN !" |
A young boy had just gotten his driving
permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his
use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair
cut, then we will talk about it"
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could
discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of
you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible
diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been
thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair,
Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father
replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!" |
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers
was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus
Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to
make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real. He
asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his
hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and
answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I
know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked
at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a
loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked
Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well . . . every
morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells,
"Good Lord, are you still in there?!" |
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was
very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take
it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his
wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't
take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The
man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs
the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the
man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his
bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St.
Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story
with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right.
You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it
through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious
to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
|
There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of
traveling for her business, so naturally she did a lot of flying. Flying made her
extremely nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read since it helped
relax her on the long flights.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a
little chuckle, smirked and went back to what he was doing. After a while, he turned to
her and asked, "You don't
really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied, "Of course I
do. It is the Bible." He said, "Well, what about the guy that was swallowed by
the whale?" She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the
Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside
the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to
heaven, I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked
sarcastically. "Then you can ask him," replied the lady. |
| Once upon a time, there was a young boy whose great
desire in life was to own a little red wagon. However, his family was poor and lacked the
money for one. One day, however, the boy's father came across a used red wagon for sale
and bought it for him. The little boy was thrilled; he insisted on taking the wagon
wherever he went. Sad to say, the boy and his father soon discovered why the wagon had
been sold for such a reasonable price: its back wheels kept falling off. The boy, though,
happy to have the wagon of his dreams at last, did not complain. Whenever the wheels fell
off, he would simply stoop down, lift the wagon, and refit them.
Everyone's patience, however, can eventually wear thin. Such was the case here, and, in
time, the little boy took to muttering the word "Damn!" whenever the wheels fell
off his wagon. Just the sound of those four letters made him feel better!
One day the boy was passing a Catholic church when the wheels fell off his wagon. A
parish priest, standing outside, overheard him say "Damn!" as he got to work
fixing his wagon. The priest asked, "Is that an appropriate way for a good Catholic
boy to be talking?" Though thinking to himself, "This priest, well intentioned
though he might be, does not have a clue as to the frustration I suffer because of this
wagon and its wheels," the boy asked, "Father, what do you suggest I say when
the wheels fall off?"
The priest thought for a minute and eventually said, "Why not say something
inspirational ... something like 'Alleluia!'" More convinced than ever that the
priest was insensitive to his plight, the boy thanked him for his advice, picked up the
wagon's handle, and set off on his way.
He had not gone more than ten feet before the wheels of the wagon fell off once again.
Looking at the wagon, the boy sighed. Then he looked at the priest and, finally, he said
"Alleluia!" Suddenly, there was a flash of light, a puff of smoke, the wagon
leapt up, and the wheels popped back on! And as for the priest? He looked at the little
boy, and he looked at the wagon, and he said, "Well, I'll be damned!" |
| Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the
hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher
stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned
frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of
paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died.
The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his
jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was
wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know,
Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred,
I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note, and
read, "Please step to your left -- you're standing on my oxygen tube!" |
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a
rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three
in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls
over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his
wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is
a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the homeowner long to realize the man is
drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams the man as he slams
the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.
She remarks, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down
in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to
knock on that man's house to
get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter,"
explains the wife. "He needs our help and it would be nice to help him." So, the
husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door but he
can't see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a
push?" He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please." "Where are you?"
shouts the homeowner. The stranger calls back, "I'm over here, on your swing." |
| A man came home from work one day and found total
mayhem. The three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud. Empty
food boxes and wrappers were strewn across the yard. When he went inside, the mess was
even worse. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against the wall.
In the front room, the TV was loudly blaring on a cartoon channel, and the family room was
strewn with toys and clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, cereal had been
spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the
table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the
stairs, stepping over more piles of clothes and toys, to look for his wife. He was
becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her
in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a book. She looked up at
him and smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked,
"What happened here today?" She smiled and answered, "You know how every
day when you come home from work, you ask me what in the hell I do all day?"
"Yes," he said, baffled. "Well," she said, "today I didn't do
it." |
| A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with
fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the
Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf that has been pressed
in between pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What
have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's
voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!!!!!" |
| My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she
turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?
"I don't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy
say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on
earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" |
| After the church service, a little boy told the pastor:
"When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you,"
the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the
poorest preachers we've ever had." |
| I was at the beach with my children when my
four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull
lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked
"He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said,
"And God threw him back down?" |
Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two
of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl
discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the
season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever dies first would try
to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One fall night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the
Yankees’ victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.
A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s
voice from beyond. "Bob, is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it’s me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is
there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do
you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first," replied Earl.
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in
heaven."
"Oh, that is wonderful!" exclaimed Earl. "So what could
possible be the bad news?"
"You’re pitching tomorrow night." |
| Two little boys were best friends at
church, but they both had a reputation for getting into trouble.
One Sunday, one of the
boys was home sick, but the other boy, not wanting to let his friend down, was twice as
bad as normal. As he was running through the sanctuary after church, the pastor grabbed
him and angrily said, "Where's God?!"
The little boy was frightened and didn't know what to say. The pastor continued, "I want you to go home and think about it and I don't want you
to come back until you can tell me where God is."
The boy went home and called his sick friend on the telephone. "Guess what,"
he said. "They've lost God, and they're trying to blame that one on us, too." |
| A priest and a cab driver both died and went to heaven
at the same time. They get to the pearly gates where St. Peter greets them.
He motions
to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50
acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll. St. Peter turns to the priest
and says "This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to a
wishing well. Anything you wish on that wishing well will come true guaranteed." The
priest says, "Oh, thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!"
St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the cab
driver. They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about 500 acres of
land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge castle on one of the mountains
with about 200 rooms. St. Peter says "This will be yours for eternity. You can live
in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you
want." The cab driver looks and St. Peter and says "Well, now, don't think I'm
not grateful, but shouldn't the priest get all this, not me? Shouldn't I get the cottage
and 50 acres instead?"
St. Peter just laughs and says "The reason you get all this is because when the
priest preached, everyone fell asleep. Now, when you drove your cab, people prayed!" |
| CHURCH STAFF JOB DESCRIPTIONS:
PASTOR: Able to
leap tall buildings in a single bound. More powerful than a locomotive. Faster
than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Makes policy with God.
ASSOCIATE PASTOR: Able to leap short buildings in a single bound. Just as
fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water if the sea is calm. Talks with God.
CUSTODIAN: Leaps short buildings with a running start. Almost as powerful
as a switch engine. Faster than a speeding BB. Walks on water if she/he knows
where the stumps are. Is occasionally addressed by God.
YOUTH MINISTER: Runs into small buildings. Recognizes locomotives about 2
out of 3 times. Uses a squirt gun. Knows how to use the water fountain.
Mumbles to him/herself.
CHURCH SECRETARY: Lifts buildings to walk under them. Kicks locomotives off
the track. Catches speeding bullets with her teeth. Freezes water with a
single glance. When God speaks, says "Please hold." |
| A Dominican, a Franciscan and a Jesuit were having a
chat, when suddenly the lights went out. Undeterred by the darkness, the Dominican
said, "Let's discuss Light and Darkness, and the Nature thereof." The
Franciscan said, "No, let's sing a hymn about the 'Little Sister Darkness.'"
Finally, the Jesuit said, "You guys stay here. I'll go change the
fuse." |
| The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday
morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day,
decided he just had to play golf. So...he told the Associate pastor that he was
feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate
Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles
away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his
parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday
morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the
heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are
you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping
just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN
ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "why did you
let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to
tell?" |
| After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and
talk to the pastor right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.
"Father," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the
dust." "That's right, Johnny, I did." "And I heard you say that when
we die, our bodies go back to dust." "Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do
you ask?" "Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my
bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!" |
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital,
and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained
consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while
patting his hand. "We do have to know however, how you intend to pay for your stay
here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he replied, "but she's a spinster
nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to
God."
"Okay," the man said with a smile. "Then bill my brother-in-law." |
Three Pastors in the south were
having lunch in a restaurant.
One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble
with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything -- noise, spray,
cats--nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry
and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church ...
haven't seen one back since!" |
Three priests were all in a boat together fishing. The
first priest said to the others, "I think I am going to go over to that shore and sit
down." So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and sits down on the
shore.
Then, the second priest says, "I think I'm going to go over there to join him."
So, he does the same ... he walks across the water and sits next to him on the shore.
The third priest thinks to himself, "Well, if they can do it, so can I!" So, he
climbs out of the boat, but he falls in the water.
The first priest says to the second, "Do you think we should have told him where the
rocks were?" |
There was a man called him Jim, who
lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man.
One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb
onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get
in the boat with him. Jim says "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." So,
the man in the boat drives off.
The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another
boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, "No,
that's ok. God will take care of me." The person in the boat then leaves.
The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a
helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up
the ladder and get in. Jim tells her "That's ok." The woman says "Are you
sure?" Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.
Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven
and is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God "You told me you would take care of me!
What happened?" God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What
else did you want?" |
| A young California couple took a visiting Aunt for a
drive, and pointed out a fig tree as one of the sights. "Fig tree?" exclaimed
the elderly woman. "That cannot be a fig tree for goodness sakes."
"Certainly is." replied her Niece. "What makes you think it's not a fig
tree?" "Well..." said the Aunt, subsiding a little, "I just thought...
surely... the leaves must be bigger than that." |
It is not always easy to say the
right thing on the spur of the moment. We can sympathize with the chap who met an old
friend after many years.
"How is your wife?"
"She is in heaven," replied the friend.
"Oh, I'm sorry," stammered the chap. Then he realized this
was not the thing to say. "I mean," he stammered, "I'm glad." That
seemed even worse so he blurted, "Well, what I really mean is, I'm surprised."
|
| A friend was in front of me coming out of church one
day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed
my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The pastor said, "You need to join the
Army of the Lord!" My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord,
Pastor." The pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas
and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
|
| An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?" The boy
thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep
slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay
out.'" |
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday
and head to the
hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous
twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle
tumbling down the mountainside.
Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other,
landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The
bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he
couldn't move.
"Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services
today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one
wish... please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me.
Please, Lord"
That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees,
clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the
preacher's feet.
"Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive..." |
|
